


Angel of Small Death (and setting me on fire)

by mockingjaybee



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, But Everyone is Ok, Eggsy as Galahad, Eggsy's POV, Emotional Abuse (past), Harry Wants To Help, Harry as Arthur, Kind of a fix-it, M/M, More Like Happish Ending, Not A Fix-It, PTSD, Physical Abuse (Past), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sex Worker (Past), Triggers, Underage Sex Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-06
Updated: 2016-02-06
Packaged: 2018-05-18 12:01:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5927599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mockingjaybee/pseuds/mockingjaybee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>I watch the work of my kin bold and boyful</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Toying somewhere between love and abuse</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Calling to join them the wretched and joyful</i>
  <br/>
  <i>Shaking the wings of their terrible youth</i>
</p><p> </p><p> Eggsy can't help that his past refuses to stay there, and he can't help how he reacts to certain things, because some things just never leave you no matter what you do, but yelling at Harry in public might not be the best way to handle his emotions either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Angel of Small Death (and setting me on fire)

**Author's Note:**

> i want to thank everyone that helped me with this, while i whinged about it and worried and gave me ideas (and title help). i had an idea of something Eggsy might yell at Harry and with that a fic was born. part of title and summary are form Hozier's "Angel of Small Death and the Codeine Scene".
> 
> thanks guys! like i said, never have i felt more accepted in a fandom so quickly before, and the support and just, you all rock. 
> 
> not brit-picked, and i've looked over it and i think caught everything, but if you see something let me know!

Eggsy really doesn’t understand where all these emotions and the awkward nervous energy is coming from, and honestly, he should have done the very un-gentlemanly thing and canceled last minute on his date night with Harry. Instead, he’s sitting at some posh place feeling like his bones are leaking out of his fucking skin while Harry casually checks over the wine list. 

He really isn’t paying attention to Harry anyway, his focus is mostly on a rather young couple tucked into a quiet corner of the place, on what looks to be their anniversary. Eggsy doesn’t understand why, but all he knows is that he _loathes_ this boy and girl, when he has no reason for it, he just _does_ , but he can’t stop watching them either. 

Harry’s still prattling away about some arms dealer in maybe Sweden, when an excited giggle floats over to their side of the room. Eggsy’s been watching, and now Harry watched the young man try to slide his hand a little bit more up her skirt and looking around hoping no one notices. Harry gives a faint but real chuckle, and Eggsy frowns, finally tearing his gaze over to Harry who is looking at him fondly, kindly. 

“What’s the matter darling,” a frown now playing on Harry’s lips. 

Eggsy just takes a sip of water, shrugging, and hopes Harry will drop the subject, but of course he doesn’t. Because Harry likes to know what Eggsy is feeling _all the time_ , which is normally fine, Eggsy understands it. In their line of work, they lie so much that sometimes it’s hard to to tell how someone is really doing, even if it’s your partner and you love him more than anything in the world... at least, that’s what Harry says. 

“No, really, you’ve been cagey all evening. It’s just a young couple in love Eggsy, I’m sure you can relate to that,” Harry nearly laughs out, clearly misreading the look of complete shock on Eggsy’s face because fuck really? “You were a teenager once, always thinking about sex, it’s fine dear.”

Jesus fuck. “No, I don’t know Harry. When I was _their age_ I was fucking for money, not for fun or pleasure.” Eggsy spits with as much venom as he can before tears threaten to well up in his eyes. Eggsy sees the hurt look on the older man’s face, and ok, no, he need to leave _now_ , “Excuse me.” Was all he could get out before he all but runs towards the doors.

Once outside, Eggsy drinks in the cool night air, but he still feel like he can’t fucking breathe, and before the panic that’s rising in him gets too high he feels Harry gently place a hand on his shoulder and give it a soft squeeze. They don’t speak, but Harry hands him his coat and moves them towards the Kingsman cab, and the panic that nearly took over Eggsy starts to calm down when he is safely inside in the cab, Harry never letting go of his shoulder, grounding him, forcing him to come back to himself. 

But, he still can’t fucking _breathe_ , and Harry being so calm about everything is only making him feel worse. 

“I should apologize Eggsy. I know your past can be a rather hard subject for you,” Harry says softly. But fucking _no_ , Harry saying this, being so bloody understanding isn’t helpful for some reason. 

“Yeah. I, look, some of it ya know, but, you’ll never truly understand, alight?” This is when Eggsy notices the cab is going north, to his place, and ok, that normally means Eggsy will be spending the night alone, which might be a good thing. 

“You could try telling me about it, instead of yelling certain parts when I accidentally say something upsetting, or that might cause you to react as such.” 

Oh _fuck_ , that whole thing again. “Harry I told ya, it’s just too much to talk about.” All Eggsy hopes is that Harry understands that this conversation needs to end now, and they can speak it back up when Eggsy feels more sane, or just simply ok, which feels like will never happen, but that's an completely different matter. 

“And, I’ve told you to _talk to me_ , so I know, because I don’t want to ever hurt you,” Harry’s voice starts having a hint of anger mixed in, which, Eggsy can handle, “I can’t keep going on like this you know.” Harry nearly whispers. 

That’s .. that’s new. “I’m sorry, wot the fuck does that even mean Harry?” Eggsy’s panic is back, and with it the anger that’s always just under the surface, just waiting to get out is back as well. 

“Let’s talk about this more at yours, please.” Ever the gentleman, Harry can’t seem to help it, but Eggsy wants the fight here, now. 

No, you’re going to explain that shit you just said.” 

Harry simply shakes his head once, and squeezes Eggsy shoulder a little harder. Ok, he doesn’t want to make a scene, sure, but now Eggsy’s mind is racing, what exactly does Harry want to know? That Dean started selling him when he was fifteen, saying that with how flexible he was, he could make that much more off him. That he didn’t even want to have sex again until he met Harry, but, Eggsy knows that _yes_ that's exactly what Harry wants, maybe honestly deserves to know. 

Or does he want more, the stuff Eggsy can’t give away. That he loves Harry, but resents him at times, not even meaning too, he just _does_. It has nothing to do with Harry basically coming back from the dead, because he _loves_ Harry for that, it’s. Well. Harry is never going to understand what it was like growing up on the estates. Just exactly how bad Dean was, and how truly disgusting Mr P was before him, that he felt like ruined goods long before Dean ever came along to fuck his life up. However, he doesn’t, and never has blamed Harry for how he was raised. 

He doesn’t even blame his dad for dying, not anymore, at the very least. He, and he fucking hates himself for even thinking it, but he blames his mum for it, and could this fucking cab hurry the fuck up and get to Holloway already? They didn’t go too far from his place where Harry had picked him up for this date. 

“Just the one stop, thank you.” Harry says to the driver, which is new, kind of. Harry doesn’t mind staying at Eggsy’s place, he honestly likes it, but Harry wants them to move in together and Eggsy just, can’t. Not yet. They’ve been together for a year, and Eggsy thinks that honestly having his own place helps him. When things are too much, he hides there. No, not hides, _lives_ there. He loves his place, because it’s all him. His study has snowglobes, not headlines. It’s done in darker colours, more greys and blacks and whites. He loves his bed, and his bedroom. 

It’s a two story flat, nothing really fancy, but it fits him. It’s close enough to his past and close to his future so that he feels more present there. They exit the cab and make their way to Eggsy’s door. 

“Eggsy, I want to talk, really talk about that’s going on, so unless you are prepared for that, you should tell me to go back to my house.” Harry’s voice is even, but the anger is still there. 

Eggsy gives Harry a leveled glare. They _have_ talked about this, but, apparently, not enough. But, Eggsy nods anyway, unlocking his door and grabbing Harry’s hand to drag him inside, and he doesn’t stop until they are in Eggsy’s living room and Eggsy plops down on the couch, and vaguely waves a hand to invite Harry to sit, and then finally asks, “What do you mean, what’s going on Harry? It’s the same shit, I just. You know sometimes it just happens an’ I can’t control it.” 

“Yes darling I know that, what I mean is; I know we grew so very differently, but that doesn’t mean I can’t listen to what you have been through. I still think you should be seeing Morgana, but you flat out refuse. Hell Eggsy, I still see her after all these years. Why can’t you just try?” 

“You’re taking the piss, right? Listen, I don’t want everyone to know about my fuckin’ past, alight? I’m, I’m ok with you knowing it, just ask me something, anything.” Eggsy looks Harry dead in the eyes, hoping the older man won’t call his bluff, but it's Harry and of course he's going to ask something. 

“How many Oxy’s do you take a week?” Harry doesn’t even blink and fuck, Eggsy doesn’t want to, but he promised, sort of. 

“Fifteen, it were more like, but either way, don’t matter, I can’t sleep ‘cause my back’s all fucked now.” Which is sort of true in the sense that Eggsy tore something in his back during V-Day and just never stopped taking them. He can’t sleep without them. “No follow up, ask me another.” 

How old were you when your first step-father molested you?” Jesus fucking Christ Harry really is going for all this now? 

Eggsy can feel the panic bubble in, and before he answers he races to his room and yes, takes an Oxy, dry swallowing it, and he isn’t surprised to see that Harry has followed him. Eggsy sit down on his lovely pillow top king size bed. Harry’s turned on the light, and the colours, the soft greys and dark reds are comforting to him. “You really wanna know, don’t ya? Fine, I was seven almost eight,” and before he can finish Eggsy starts to cry. And really, it’s not crying, it’s sobbing, great massive shaking, heaving sobs and Harry’s there beside him in less than a moment, holding him, whispering _I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have pushed, you’re safe now_ , and after awhile the tears run out. Somehow they are laying over the duvet on Eggy’s bed, Harry holding him, but looking into his eyes, and Eggsy sighs heavily. “Ain’t your fault, don’t say that. Never blamed ya know, so don’t go thinking that wank.” 

“But,” Harry's face is full of concern and Eggsy smiles weakly at him for it, the pure love coming off the older man in waves, and knows that Harry was right. Was always right. in his own way. 

“No, you listen,” Eggsy de-tangles himself from Harry and sits up on his bed and looks down, making sure to look Harry in the eye, “you’re. Fuck, you’re right. I’m fucked up and maybe I should see her. But, I have to do this in my own time, alight? This ain’t gonna be, just, can we leave it for the night, and get some rest? Please?” He can help the whine in his voice, but he’s so fucking knackered he can’t help it. 

“Yes, of course, I agree darling,” Harry says, eyes filled with something that looks like pride, but Eggsy’s too tired to figure it out right now, “I’ll set up your meeting with her in the morning, shall I?” 

Eggsy nods, and flops back down, tucking himself into Harry’s arms, too tired to get properly undressed, and the panic hasn’t left him, not yet, but the overbearing sense of dread that Eggsy didn’t even know he had felt like it was being lifted off her shoulders. Harry would accept, him, always had. Sure, they had fought, and this wouldn’t be the last time over the same topic, but Eggsy knows this is the right thing to do. 

Plus, Eggsy knows most importantly, he’s doing this for himself, because he deserves to be feeling anything other than he does right now, and the last thought he has before sleep overtakes him is, of course it’s Harry, seeing the young man with so much more to him that what’s on the surface, the young man with potential, it’s only just now that Eggsy is starting to see it as well. 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading, i hope you enjoyed it! i tried to give it a hopeful ending. kudos and comments make me squeal in public!
> 
> i'm also on tumblr as mockingjaybeevicious, and it still won't let me do outside links what the hell.


End file.
